F

So I fail at chem, summer internships, swimming, SATs, and calc.

Things to look forward to until summer: SAT I in May, SAT II Math 2 and SAT II Chemistry in June, AP Chemistry and AP Calculus in May, other internship rejections, Saturday mornings devoted to AP Calc/Chem study sessions, ACTs?, last chances to make CCS, finals.

Everything is too hard. I just want to sleep more than 6 hours per night, get rid of the constant soreness from swimming, and NOT wake up feeling like I want to sleep forever. Yeah, fuck life.

Wise words from my father

"The SAT is a test for test-takers. That's what the Chinese are trained to do: take endless yes/no, black/white tests; your mom is very good at tests like the SAT cause she's been trained. I am not. But you Americans learn the maybe/depends, gray-area tests, so I love American tests.

You know, Caroline, the area of China near the Russian border is very cold, so I went to the library. The library was always warm. After dinner, I would tell my friend to save me a seat at the library and I would go there after I eat so that I could sleep. I slept until closing time, then I went back to my dorm to play. I played all day."

Wow, thanks Daddy. Those are some great genes you gave me...

Here and there

I really need to spend less time on the computer. I have a faint memory of making some computer rules for myself back when school started but I haven't really been following them at all. But from now on, and I WILL try this time, I'll become an endangered species on AIM and I'm gonna seriously limit my Facebook time. I'm really beginning to think my time has gone to waste and I want it back.

My October SAT scores really disappointed me, to an extent in which I will not elaborate on here (let's just say that I did not take it well at all and I am still rather sensitive if someone brings it up). But my mom and I have had a real heart-to-heart talk and I've come to realize that no matter what, she is always right. She has always known the bigger picture better than I ever have. I want to listen to her and I'm gonna try to listen to her.

I'm losing focus in school. I can't seem to concentrate or summon enough energy to really try anymore and I can't figure out why. I convince myself that I'm doing my best but I know I'm not. My test grades are depressing and I have strong urges to call myself stupid, useless, etc... but in actuality, I know why I don't do well anymore. I've stopped studying, I've stopped actually trying to learn, and because of that, I've lost a lot of my confidence in my abilities. I still want that A more than ever, but I'm not doing as much as I should to actually earn it. In the end, I'm trying to juggle six challenging classes where I have mediocre and unacceptable grades (except French 3, but that doesn't even matter) and I hate myself for even having my grade that low in the first place. It's gonna be an uphill battle to bring my grades back but I have no other choice but to do it.

I am starting to notice that any conversation about the randomest thing in the world always manages to end up turning into a conversation about colleges/college apps/SATs. It's starting to bother me because I don't especially like talking about it on a daily basis, but it always happens. Have you noticed that?

Happy birthday my love Ashleezy. I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to the lunch, but do know that I love you and I sincerely hope you had a wonderful time because you truly do deserve it.

Hi Donkey Kong :)

Oh, what seven days contain

Stressful week, I must say, but it ended on a good note.

SAT crap is causing me to break out.. stupid hormones. I didn't even swim for a whole week to focus on SATs so I can feel that unnecessary fat coming back, and I haven't been directing as much energy as I should be to school (which explains my six-week grades that I'm embarrassed to talk about here). But I'm just glad SAT attempt #1 is over.

However, if I get below 2250, I'm gonna retake it. It's hard to put into words how much I need that 2250, but I really do. What I'm really hoping for is 750 on each section or even a 2300!!, and here's to dreamin'. If not, and I sincerely hope this isn't so, I'll be hitting those SAT books soon for attempt #2. But for now, I feel light! and happy! and a teensy bit accomplished :)

On the bright side, it's a wonderful feeling just to get in a car and drive, to be able to have full control over something (except when that annoying fence stopped me... LOL). And I accomplished my self-promise of not logging onto AIM for a whole 7 days so I could study (except when I took 2 minutes to ask someone what English homework was). Believe me, that took a lot of willpower.

And just yesterday, I got my homecoming outfit.. I love it! I'm very much excited for the homecoming dance now (and homecoming week! rally! game! carnival!), especially with all my girls that are going<3 Rhodan's birthday party last night was the cherry on top of my week haha.

What I strongly dislike is when big things happen to coincide. Sometimes, I have those periods of time when my life is boring and uneventful. But not long after, it seems like everything happens at once. Right now, an avalanche of events, feelings, pressure, and responsibilities are all coming at me. How I manage to balance everything is probably gonna determine the rest of my life, or at least the near future.

Intensive

So I'm kinda stuck in an 8th floor dorm doing something that I absolutely hate at this point, and will be continuing to do for days on end. SATs and college essays are so meaningless. Why do we have to be reduced to a number to explain our entire life's achievements? And even for the essay, why do we have to have entirely perfect english and grammer? I thought it was supposed to be about our uncomplicated selves. What's so wrong with blurting about our lives (kinda like blogging, haha)? In lots of ways, it's the purest form of our being; not some essay that went through 93405809430 revisions. I kinda wish the admissions people could just look into our souls and know if we would be a perfect match for that college. It would make life so much easier. But then again, "life sucks, then you die," says Jacob Black<3

Speaking of Jacob Black, the pictures and trailers on Tram's tumblr make me HELLA EXCITED for new moon!

The carpet being yanked out

My mother told me I can't swim for the next two weeks, ugggggggh!!! god, i'm so pissed. And I think I know why too; she's testing me. She thinks I hang out with people on the team too much and she thinks it's a replay of my "suspicious" behavior from back in 8th grade. She wants to see how mad I get and play me out as a the lying bad guy. WELL IT AIN'T GONNA WORK. Instead of the whining teenager, I'm gonna be the responsible adult and make her the whining teenager. This little experiment should be interesting. I'll figure out the details later... for now, I'm gonna go punch a wall. I WANNA SWIM!!! She can't take that away from me; to do so would mean that she must not know me at all!

Physics finals are over, HALLELUJAH! Professor still hasn't updated grades yet... but I really do hope that I maintain my grade, even with the final that was such a jerk move on her part. I'm really glad I took the class though cause 6 weeks and it's over! Now all that's left is that annoying US History class... and SAT classes that start next week. Aiyaaaa, when will summer truly begin?

Reality approaching

I am supposed to go take a practice SAT test tomorrow morning, like a simulated version of the real one. I really think I should go cause it would be very good practice but my mommy won't let me. She says I am too hard on myself and that I need my rest, but I think she is wrong! I just want to be prepared for the real SATs next year and practice makes perfect, right? Sure I am exhausted, but sleeping in is a fool's reason for missing an opportunity. But then again, I have no choice. My mommy is my ride.

Paycheck for election working arrived today. I need to save up to start buying gas for my (future) hand-me-down Ford Explorer haha.

I don't like a certain swimming picture of me in the yearbook but the underwater one turned out cool. And guess what? Coach talked about me and Gideon at CCS in the MHS Union, hehe. Which reminds me, I wonder if I got into journalism...

When the balloons were released into the air at the senior rally today, it was pretty depressing. I thought about all the seniors that I have gotten close to, but are LEAVING. How I would definitely miss talking to An Nguyen everyday and hunting for hot guys at meets, seeing Ivy Nguyen's smartass and beautiful face in 2nd period, watching Michelle Pham leading our swim team and being my 500 free buddy, making fun of Allison Hoang everyday, chilling or getting food with Ronald Manuel in 4th, doing "supplies!" to Michael Pham almost everyday, and laughing at Lauren Padilla's crazy antics. I love them all, and it seems to weird not being in their presence or be jealous that they are moving on with their lives and mine is kind of in a standstill. The Class of 09 definitely cannot be replaced and the people I have met in that class are some of the greatest people I have had the honor of knowing.

It's unofficial but if the thing I found out today is true, THEN THAT IS SO FREAKIN' AWESOME! When I know for sure, I will post an update :)