The Little Things

I really wish I went to Trojan Olympics this year, especially since being a part of the team freshman year was one of the best experiences. I hate when I have to choose between academics and fun... but these days, every choice I make will affect where I go in life. All this talk about college acceptances and rejections for the class of 2010 is even stressing me out. I will admit that I am pretty jealous of certain seniors who worked their ass off and receive beautiful acceptance letters. And also of visiting college freshmen who rub their wonderful college experiences in our innocent faces (*ahem.. An, Vivian, and Ivy haha<3). My fate awaits me in one year.

There are times in life when I feel lonely. I've come to realize there's different kinds of loneliness: there's the kind when you're constantly surrounded by people that love you but you can't really relate to, the kind where you know you have great people to talk to but find it hard to connect or relate to, the kind where you're right next to those people but still feel a certain kind of emptiness, the kind where you want to talk to certain people but are scared to approach them, the kind where you feel like you are completely isolated from the world, and the kind where it's just you and your own little thoughts. I think I manage to go through a cycle of all of these variations from time to time. And I guess the best way to solve these problems is just to snap out of it and do something productive.

I'd like to say that guys, in general, fail at taking initiative. And then there are those that don't understand when we are totally not interested in them. I see many, TOO many, cases where these little boys wimp out at the chance of being men, or think they are men when they are actually far from it, and it's rather disheartening. And also, girls (most girls) are NOT dumb. Yes, we get your hints. And yes, we do drop hints. We are, in fact, very aware of how we present ourselves and how you guys present yourselves. And believe it or not, we do have a general idea of how you feel towards us. Am I right ladies?

And I would like to give a shoutout to my hoodlum friends (the ladies with the initials ABCCCMVV) who dress like hoodlums, walk like hoodlums, and ditch class like hoodlums teehee ;) CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WE ALL ARE GOING TO PROM?! And with dates too! Hella cla$sy/bo$s or what? You ladies are my gangster BAMFs and I love love love you!

*Happy birthday Courtney Caglia-Hilty!

Here and there

I really need to spend less time on the computer. I have a faint memory of making some computer rules for myself back when school started but I haven't really been following them at all. But from now on, and I WILL try this time, I'll become an endangered species on AIM and I'm gonna seriously limit my Facebook time. I'm really beginning to think my time has gone to waste and I want it back.

My October SAT scores really disappointed me, to an extent in which I will not elaborate on here (let's just say that I did not take it well at all and I am still rather sensitive if someone brings it up). But my mom and I have had a real heart-to-heart talk and I've come to realize that no matter what, she is always right. She has always known the bigger picture better than I ever have. I want to listen to her and I'm gonna try to listen to her.

I'm losing focus in school. I can't seem to concentrate or summon enough energy to really try anymore and I can't figure out why. I convince myself that I'm doing my best but I know I'm not. My test grades are depressing and I have strong urges to call myself stupid, useless, etc... but in actuality, I know why I don't do well anymore. I've stopped studying, I've stopped actually trying to learn, and because of that, I've lost a lot of my confidence in my abilities. I still want that A more than ever, but I'm not doing as much as I should to actually earn it. In the end, I'm trying to juggle six challenging classes where I have mediocre and unacceptable grades (except French 3, but that doesn't even matter) and I hate myself for even having my grade that low in the first place. It's gonna be an uphill battle to bring my grades back but I have no other choice but to do it.

I am starting to notice that any conversation about the randomest thing in the world always manages to end up turning into a conversation about colleges/college apps/SATs. It's starting to bother me because I don't especially like talking about it on a daily basis, but it always happens. Have you noticed that?

Happy birthday my love Ashleezy. I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to the lunch, but do know that I love you and I sincerely hope you had a wonderful time because you truly do deserve it.

Hi Donkey Kong :)

Speed bumps

I think I rely too much on my accomplishments to make me happy, and I fall back on the belief that I'm a failure when I screw something up on a quiz or some other test of what I have learned. It's becoming an increasing pattern of behavior since the beginning of junior year, I can't really explain why or how. If I'm sad, it's because of Calc or English or Chem, and if I'm happy, it's because of the above as well (for example, getting a 6 on the CAML the first time I took it made me giddy for the rest of that day, and a bit of the day after). These mood swings are effective for the whole day (and then some); they're not just some temporary feeling of meager disappointment or joy. They're more pronounced than they ever were. I think it's a rather depressing state of being, but it's becoming quite common for me. I don't especially like thinking in this way, but I can't imagine NOT thinking like this because all my hard work becomes meaningless if I were to suddenly slip somewhere along the way. I said I had to change my mindset, and this is how I'm doing it.

My friend said his biggest fear was to not be successful and I couldn't agree more. In general, success is defined as a goal you strive for. A mark of success can be different from one person to the next. As of right now, my definition of success is being accepted to either Stanford or an Ivy League (maybe a UC as backup). I don't know what I would do if I were to have to settle for anything other than those.

These thoughts have just been floating around in my head for a while now. I can honestly say I am rather ashamed of these attitudes (and therefore I am considering making this post private...) but I know it's all for a reason, right?

You asked me what I want, and I said that I don't know. I don't know if I can give you what you want, and I don't think I can.

Junior year introductions

So today was the first day of my junior year, the day I have been dreading since.. oh I don't know, the beginning of summer pretty much.

I'm quite happy with the people I have in my classes, more familar faces than I had previously thought. But I was entirely right about the workload, it's pretty bad already and it's only gonna get crazier. So to make myself feel better, I got some froyo afterschool :)

A rundown:
1st - AP Calc AB, Ms. Nguyen: Rumors abound that she is a hard teacher, not as lenient as Mr. Bautista, but will prepare you well for the AP test. That's gonna be one of my hard classes, I can tell already. She has a take-no-crap attitude, but seems like a generally nice and helpful teacher overall. We have a quiz on the unit circle tomorrow, which I never fully learned with Mrs. Leggin.
2nd - Honors English, Conradson: She is such a cute lady. I didn't know she was Mr. Hanley's wife! The stuff we are gonna do in class looks to be pretty boring though; we're gonna read books I never would have taken a second glance at. A WHOLE LOT of in class essays during the year, FML. We had a project due and a test today.. ALREADY, and we have an in-class essay tomorrow. The people in this class are awesome though, a whoooole lot of familar faces :)
3rd - French 3, Topping: She seems to be a fun lady, definitely won't drive me crazy like Mollot. Topping speaks too much French though damn it, and we have to write an entire letter in French that's due tomorrow. The kids from Mollot are gonna be so behind cause we barely learned anything... Oh btw, my new French name is Simone because Bettina said it sounded "sassy."
4th - Anatomy, Hentschke: He's awesome! Seems to be pretty lenient (doesn't believe in weekend homework YAY!) and has a sense of humor. I'm worried about memorizing body parts though, my memory sucks. But he has 3 microwaves in his class so I don't have to eat school food! Haha.
5th - AP Chem, Meyer: She's cool, so many memories in that class and here we are again. It's definitely gonna be a demanding class though (no lunch? no SSR?). I'm gonna struggle a whole lot more than I did with Honors Chem. Some fun people in that class though.
6th - Journalism, Colburn: He has a wicked sense of humor! As long as I do the work, that class is pretty much my free period. "I'm gonna talk about stuff, you're gonna learn stuff, then you're gonna do stuff."

On the brightside, I will be at college in exactly 2 years.. hooray. It's hard to believe that it was only two years ago that I was a freshmen, it seems like a lifetime ago. And it was nice to see people I haven't seen all summer; no one has changed all that much.

Oh, I am so lost on what to do because either way, someone gets hurt. And I feel like anything I do will be absolutely wrong and irreversible. I just need some time.

Enlightening

My mom is right. I have met some of the most interesting people here. I feel not only jealous, but amazed by their lives, almost on a daily basis. If I want to meet more people like the ones I am meeting here, then I better hope I end up in a great school. This is what I promise myself.

DRAMA, long time no see! Hahaha. It's definitely here to stir things up... silly, silly teenagers and their hormones. "HEY! You look kinda cute!"