Supported

This week really seemed like it flew by; it was a nice and rather breezy week. It's hard to believe it's already the weekend. I've been in a good mood lately.

I like where me and my parents are right now. I can open up more about my life and school without being as ashamed of certain test scores as I used to be. I like how we've gotten to this point where they support my decisions and can really trust me as best as parents can. I feel like they want to hold on to me a little longer but they respect the fact that I need my independence. I can pretty much go anywhere with my car as long as I tell them and it's reasonably close and safe. Although I still don't tell them EVERYTHING (definitely not boys still...), it's definitely somewhere and I'm very happy about that. I am lucky to have two parents that love and care about me.

I like how I'm beginning to let you in a little. I need time; this just takes some time.

Speed bumps

I think I rely too much on my accomplishments to make me happy, and I fall back on the belief that I'm a failure when I screw something up on a quiz or some other test of what I have learned. It's becoming an increasing pattern of behavior since the beginning of junior year, I can't really explain why or how. If I'm sad, it's because of Calc or English or Chem, and if I'm happy, it's because of the above as well (for example, getting a 6 on the CAML the first time I took it made me giddy for the rest of that day, and a bit of the day after). These mood swings are effective for the whole day (and then some); they're not just some temporary feeling of meager disappointment or joy. They're more pronounced than they ever were. I think it's a rather depressing state of being, but it's becoming quite common for me. I don't especially like thinking in this way, but I can't imagine NOT thinking like this because all my hard work becomes meaningless if I were to suddenly slip somewhere along the way. I said I had to change my mindset, and this is how I'm doing it.

My friend said his biggest fear was to not be successful and I couldn't agree more. In general, success is defined as a goal you strive for. A mark of success can be different from one person to the next. As of right now, my definition of success is being accepted to either Stanford or an Ivy League (maybe a UC as backup). I don't know what I would do if I were to have to settle for anything other than those.

These thoughts have just been floating around in my head for a while now. I can honestly say I am rather ashamed of these attitudes (and therefore I am considering making this post private...) but I know it's all for a reason, right?

You asked me what I want, and I said that I don't know. I don't know if I can give you what you want, and I don't think I can.

Homecoming 2009

Rally, Carnival, Football, Dance game... why do all the fun things get smooshed into a period of 24 hours?! Goodbye Homecoming week...

Rally skits were entertaining and it's interesting that the admin censored the hip-hop club dance for the second rally because apparently it wasn't "appropriate." Carnival was quite exhausting, especially walking around trying to sell nachos, but at least I had 2 cups of milk tea to power me through the rest of the afternoon. And I was pleasantly surprised and amazed that our school had such good bands, lead by some great singers. And we won the football game against Mountain View (48-18). The Homecoming game is always a good experience because there's so many people and the atmosphere is pretty laid-back with a slight bit of competitiveness. The dance was pretty sick, especially with my girls that went (I wish Courtney went though!). I'm curious to see how my pic with Trevor turned out. This is my favorite!


It's always sad to go home from dances, (especially knowing that you missed your curfew by almost 2 hours) mostly because you spent all that time preparing and getting hyped up about it... and then it's over within a few hours and life is back to normal.

I wish I could figure out what that simple gesture really means.

Something new

I don't know what I want, I could argue both sides. Unfortunately, my indecisiveness always manages to come at the wrong time.

Oh, what seven days contain

Stressful week, I must say, but it ended on a good note.

SAT crap is causing me to break out.. stupid hormones. I didn't even swim for a whole week to focus on SATs so I can feel that unnecessary fat coming back, and I haven't been directing as much energy as I should be to school (which explains my six-week grades that I'm embarrassed to talk about here). But I'm just glad SAT attempt #1 is over.

However, if I get below 2250, I'm gonna retake it. It's hard to put into words how much I need that 2250, but I really do. What I'm really hoping for is 750 on each section or even a 2300!!, and here's to dreamin'. If not, and I sincerely hope this isn't so, I'll be hitting those SAT books soon for attempt #2. But for now, I feel light! and happy! and a teensy bit accomplished :)

On the bright side, it's a wonderful feeling just to get in a car and drive, to be able to have full control over something (except when that annoying fence stopped me... LOL). And I accomplished my self-promise of not logging onto AIM for a whole 7 days so I could study (except when I took 2 minutes to ask someone what English homework was). Believe me, that took a lot of willpower.

And just yesterday, I got my homecoming outfit.. I love it! I'm very much excited for the homecoming dance now (and homecoming week! rally! game! carnival!), especially with all my girls that are going<3 Rhodan's birthday party last night was the cherry on top of my week haha.

What I strongly dislike is when big things happen to coincide. Sometimes, I have those periods of time when my life is boring and uneventful. But not long after, it seems like everything happens at once. Right now, an avalanche of events, feelings, pressure, and responsibilities are all coming at me. How I manage to balance everything is probably gonna determine the rest of my life, or at least the near future.

Good good good day

If only I could have more days like October 2, 2009.

Drove myself to school, $1 milk tea with Tram, practice, and back home. Freedom is the bestestestest feeling in the world! I honestly was smiling as I was driving and looking like a dork just because I could control where I wanted to go for once (well not really, but I was in the driver's seat). All thanks to my license, my MHS parking permit, and my cousin's car. Next week = off campus lunch with the girls :)

Meet your new Opinions/Editorial Editor for the MHS Union newspaper! :D It's gonna be a whole lot of work and time commitment, but I am so happy right now. I can't believe I actually got it...

Homecoming is in 2 weeks! I'm excited now, thanks to the message in a bottle, the clues, my friends, and you :)

Now if I could only pass my math and chem test next week, I would have absolutely nothing to complain about. Isn't life beautiful?