F

So I fail at chem, summer internships, swimming, SATs, and calc.

Things to look forward to until summer: SAT I in May, SAT II Math 2 and SAT II Chemistry in June, AP Chemistry and AP Calculus in May, other internship rejections, Saturday mornings devoted to AP Calc/Chem study sessions, ACTs?, last chances to make CCS, finals.

Everything is too hard. I just want to sleep more than 6 hours per night, get rid of the constant soreness from swimming, and NOT wake up feeling like I want to sleep forever. Yeah, fuck life.

Here and there

I really need to spend less time on the computer. I have a faint memory of making some computer rules for myself back when school started but I haven't really been following them at all. But from now on, and I WILL try this time, I'll become an endangered species on AIM and I'm gonna seriously limit my Facebook time. I'm really beginning to think my time has gone to waste and I want it back.

My October SAT scores really disappointed me, to an extent in which I will not elaborate on here (let's just say that I did not take it well at all and I am still rather sensitive if someone brings it up). But my mom and I have had a real heart-to-heart talk and I've come to realize that no matter what, she is always right. She has always known the bigger picture better than I ever have. I want to listen to her and I'm gonna try to listen to her.

I'm losing focus in school. I can't seem to concentrate or summon enough energy to really try anymore and I can't figure out why. I convince myself that I'm doing my best but I know I'm not. My test grades are depressing and I have strong urges to call myself stupid, useless, etc... but in actuality, I know why I don't do well anymore. I've stopped studying, I've stopped actually trying to learn, and because of that, I've lost a lot of my confidence in my abilities. I still want that A more than ever, but I'm not doing as much as I should to actually earn it. In the end, I'm trying to juggle six challenging classes where I have mediocre and unacceptable grades (except French 3, but that doesn't even matter) and I hate myself for even having my grade that low in the first place. It's gonna be an uphill battle to bring my grades back but I have no other choice but to do it.

I am starting to notice that any conversation about the randomest thing in the world always manages to end up turning into a conversation about colleges/college apps/SATs. It's starting to bother me because I don't especially like talking about it on a daily basis, but it always happens. Have you noticed that?

Happy birthday my love Ashleezy. I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to the lunch, but do know that I love you and I sincerely hope you had a wonderful time because you truly do deserve it.

Hi Donkey Kong :)

Speed bumps

I think I rely too much on my accomplishments to make me happy, and I fall back on the belief that I'm a failure when I screw something up on a quiz or some other test of what I have learned. It's becoming an increasing pattern of behavior since the beginning of junior year, I can't really explain why or how. If I'm sad, it's because of Calc or English or Chem, and if I'm happy, it's because of the above as well (for example, getting a 6 on the CAML the first time I took it made me giddy for the rest of that day, and a bit of the day after). These mood swings are effective for the whole day (and then some); they're not just some temporary feeling of meager disappointment or joy. They're more pronounced than they ever were. I think it's a rather depressing state of being, but it's becoming quite common for me. I don't especially like thinking in this way, but I can't imagine NOT thinking like this because all my hard work becomes meaningless if I were to suddenly slip somewhere along the way. I said I had to change my mindset, and this is how I'm doing it.

My friend said his biggest fear was to not be successful and I couldn't agree more. In general, success is defined as a goal you strive for. A mark of success can be different from one person to the next. As of right now, my definition of success is being accepted to either Stanford or an Ivy League (maybe a UC as backup). I don't know what I would do if I were to have to settle for anything other than those.

These thoughts have just been floating around in my head for a while now. I can honestly say I am rather ashamed of these attitudes (and therefore I am considering making this post private...) but I know it's all for a reason, right?

You asked me what I want, and I said that I don't know. I don't know if I can give you what you want, and I don't think I can.

Sensations

In Anatomy today, we watched a video on our skin, our brain, our sense of touch, and our nervous system and it's crazy how these all connect. Did you know that when you suffer a major injury, your brain shuts down your sensation to feel pain? You brain can actually halt these signals if your body knows that these signals can interfere with your survival. This one lady lost in the wild did not feel the pain of a splintered knee until the rescue crew found her. This one dentist gave a root canal to a guy without anesthetics, using mind tricks. If you can somehow harness that energy in the right place, you can shut out pain for a while.

I tried to do it for my hunger pain today, and it worked for a few minutes! I swear I actually stopped feeling my stomach constantly nagging me just by thinking intensely about it. And maybe if I try hard enough, I can do the same with my math grade... make my brain numb so I longer feel the stinging pain of it lol.

I am starting to despise math even more, especially since I cannot handle failure. My grade is steadily decreasing and that is really worrying me. From now on, my junior year will be devoted to passing Calc AB with an A. If that means I'm staying everyday afterschool, going early in the mornings, and going to the Saturday study sessions, then so be it. I don't think I've ever had a math class this challenging, but I think that's exactly what I need.

Lots of homecoming talk already, but isn't it in like.. a WHOLE MONTH? Silly high school kids :)

Making sense

I don't know. Am I supposed to? Things have changed, I feel it. I don't know if I like this situation or not, because now I don't know what to do. I think I should just ride it out until I figure things out. When in doubt, maintain the status quo. Things will fall into place, right? Change is too complicated. I don't even know what I'm talking about either. I have too many thoughts bouncing around in my head.

What I do know is that I need a back massage and a real night's sleep. One night, I got eight hours of sleep and I was still tired cause that's more than my usual five-six hours per night. Not swimming for two weeks is also more than I can handle. I need the chlorine to wash out some of this stress.

More often than not, there's a difference between what you want and what you need. Oh my gosh, this reminds me of math. In a way, I guess it can relate to limits. If the limit of f(x) as x approaches a from the left is not equal to the limit of f(x) as x approaches a from the right, then f(x) is not a continuous function. In that case, there can be either one or no functions where the limit of f(x) as x approaches a from both sides is equal to f(a), and even though only one condition is satisfied, f(x) is unfortunately still not a continuous function. But occasionally, the limit of f(x) as x approaches a from the left is equal to the limit of f(x) as x approaches a from the right, as well as equal to f(a), and only NOW do you have a continuous function. And now you're happy and you're living the good life.

That personal and mathematical connection made total sense in my head for some odd reason. But wow, I really need a break from everything.

All over the place

It's getting harder to keep up with everything... too much is happening now. Homework load is at its all-time high, and that's pretty much on a daily basis. But I guess that's good. I feel like I'm actually learning math this year cause my AP Calc teacher, Ms. Nguyen, is a demanding yet awesome teacher. My other teachers quite likeable too: with Madame Topping, I'm actually starting to enjoy French; it's impossible to fall asleep in Ms. Conradson's class cause she is so lively; Mr. Henschtke is quite laid-back and the concepts he teaches in Anatomy are pretty interesting; Ms. Meyer's class is a lot of notes and homework problems but Ms. Meyer is still Ms. Meyer lol; and I'm kinda looking forward to actually covering and writing events in Journalism. Some classes are a draaaag and feel like they're never ending, but I have some pretty great people in my classes.

I miss swimming a lot. I feel like I'm getting fat and my eating patterns are slightly off. It's gonna be quite difficult to juggle swimming and school once MTW starts in October, but I think I can manage. I can handle 5 hours of sleep each night... as long as I get myself used to it.

Chinese school might not be insanely boring this year. My teacher, Kong lao shi, loves our input and actually listen to what we have to say. Plus, it's a small class so everyone kinda knows each other already. And we're doing stuff that we actually feel like we need to learn. It's appearing to be a really personalized class and I love that. I really need to focus on Chinese this year cause I need to decide whether I want to take AP Chinese or SAT II Chinese.

I feel stupid talking with retainers. But there is no way in hell I am getting my braces back on again. On the bright side, my retainers are a beautiful shade of blue that I very much like!

OH HEEEEY, I'M LICENSED! But no car yet, boooo. My cousin is going back to China in October though, and I think I might get his kinda boring but driveable Toyota Camry, the car that I grew up in lol. OH, AND FOR THE RECORD, I will NOT offer rides. People are already starting to ask me for rides and my answer is NO, unless you have a legitimate reason or it's some kind of an emergency. Otherwise, get your own license, buy your own car, and break the law yourself.

I blush too easily. It's increasingly becoming a much-hated problem.