A Year in Review

I absolutely love Christmas more than ever now, not the actual day but the spirit or it. But it came and went so quickly this year. I didn't even have a traditional Christmas; I spent all day on the slopes in Reno then ate at some cafe with my family and returned to our hotel room. I would have loved to just wake up in my bed at home, eat as a family, open presents, laugh a little, take pictures, and call it a day. Maybe next year. I desperately want to cling to this time of year when jolliness isn't such a rare attitude and everyone is a little less insane. It's nice just to stare at my decked out Christmas tree; it makes me peaceful.

I don't believe 2009 has been all that great to me, or probably to anyone else. I think a major part is that I've given in more to laziness, but this year I've also forgotten to live a little. It has become the year when all my responsibilities as a young adult just hit me in the face. The New Year's Resolutions of 2009 that I actually remember were shot to hell. So what in the world should I promise myself in 2010? Plus, the idea of turning 17 is frightening in itself. 17 IS A GODDAMN HUGE NUMBER.

However, it's very much a sin to be a pessimist, I guess 2009 wasn't all that horrible. I've met some new people and grew just a little wiser. 2009 was a huge year of growth for me in my mindset, attitude, and maturity (maybe height too, haha). I've felt a mixture of almost-there type of relief and where-did-my-childhood-go? type of horror because of the fact that I was getting closer and closer to my "actual" life. I've begun to look more and more towards the future and realized that with all the work that I put in now, I am creating possibilities for that future. But in the end, I've had my wonderful and memorable times where I let myself be young and let go of my stress and worries.

I sincerely hope 2010 will be a great year, or at least have the decency to make itself a better year than 2009.

Warring

I have a whole half-page list of things I want to accomplish this break, most of which are school related, but I have no clue how I'm going to do all of that in just two weeks. Today is the first official full day of break for me and the first thing I shall do is make a plan, because without it, I will be lost. (Speaking of lost, I found my planner! Or actually, Ric had it all along... ugh.) Number 1 thing on my list is to catch up in Anatomy and AP Chemistry in time for finals; I feel like I'm really behind in those classes.

So my parents are going to Napa Valley today along with their friends from when we were back in Chicago. I REALLY don't want to go. As a kid, you do not belong there. The scenery is nice, I guess, but we don't care about that. The drive is loooooong and endless. And we can't even try the wine, which is the whole point of going! I've already been there twice in my life, I don't even know why, and I do not want to go back until I am old enough to understand "good wine." But it would look bad on my parents because they haven't seen their friends in years. It would be common Chinese courtesy to go along and not having the whole family go is like a slap in their face. I know that it's not uncommon for people to decide whether to do what they want to do or what they have to do, but in the Chinese tradition, we usually have no choice. Respect for others must be above matters of oneself. However, I'm in somewhat of a homework kind of mood today, which is quite rare, and I need to take advantage of it. I'll see how this turns out, my parents' final decision is still in the making.

I feel like I have to be secretive all the time now around certain people in my classes. In the end, we all want the same thing.

Rather undeserving

I didn't laugh at my mom's joke today when she she scared me about some college deadline so she said that my "heart needs a jumpstart now and then." And being the pissy and irrational me that I am (having a crazy and busy ass day involving math test review at 7am, two Science Olympiad meetings, redoing my chem lab, journalism deadlines, Salvation Army community service, and Borders gift wrap didn't help either), I was like "Wow you can't give me that, do you realize all the crap and stress that I go through nowadays BECAUSE of what you want?" So begins an argument about how I'm not her "sweet little girl" anymore and ends in me crying because she's right; I'm not. High school does things to you, it hardens you. However, how can my parents expect me to get into a top college by being "sweet"? In this real world that we live in, you would get trampled over. So instead, I learn from my previous mistakes, develop somewhat of a ruthless attitude to get what I want and I subsequently remember what I did right, but in the process, I guess I just lose a lot of myself.

My mom gives me crap now and then, but I know that I give her way more than she deserves. She can be stubborn, temperamental, and unforgiving but I inherited these traits on a much bigger scale. And my dad is just the sweetest guy in the world, no matter what. (I got a postcard from "Santa" today, written in his handwriting). I love both of them more than anything else and I'm a horrible person for not showing it as much as I should. Damn it, fuck me, I'm such a bitch.

Friday night

I'm still young right? Sometimes, I can feel like I'm such an old lady. Every once in a while, I feel like I have to do something crazy; when I do, I want to do it again. And because I am young after all, I DO NOT want to be confined. But I feel confined in lots of ways and for the most part, I'm letting myself be confined.

And I still have at least some kind of intelligence right? Cause sometimes I feel incredibly dumb.

"I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Keep the big picture in mind, but don't worry about the details. Just go with it and do what's happening. Worry later. Fuck, dont worry later, that won't solve anything. Don't worry at all. Even when stuff gets bad, it's still okay. Each second is okay, it's putting them together that sucks."

You know, I really should take the advice that I post here and on Tumblr but for the most part, that's just me being idealistic. I suck at listening to myself.

Burnout scene

"How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after,
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern,
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered,
I always turn the car around."
-- Shattered.mp3 by O.A.R.

That song is freakin' genius... overplayed a little, but it has the right message. Oh and a shoutout to Jimmy for kindly showing me Hype Machine; it has reopened my eyes to real music, something I used to have time to love. My ears have been deluded with radio crap since sophomore year.