Speed bumps

I think I rely too much on my accomplishments to make me happy, and I fall back on the belief that I'm a failure when I screw something up on a quiz or some other test of what I have learned. It's becoming an increasing pattern of behavior since the beginning of junior year, I can't really explain why or how. If I'm sad, it's because of Calc or English or Chem, and if I'm happy, it's because of the above as well (for example, getting a 6 on the CAML the first time I took it made me giddy for the rest of that day, and a bit of the day after). These mood swings are effective for the whole day (and then some); they're not just some temporary feeling of meager disappointment or joy. They're more pronounced than they ever were. I think it's a rather depressing state of being, but it's becoming quite common for me. I don't especially like thinking in this way, but I can't imagine NOT thinking like this because all my hard work becomes meaningless if I were to suddenly slip somewhere along the way. I said I had to change my mindset, and this is how I'm doing it.

My friend said his biggest fear was to not be successful and I couldn't agree more. In general, success is defined as a goal you strive for. A mark of success can be different from one person to the next. As of right now, my definition of success is being accepted to either Stanford or an Ivy League (maybe a UC as backup). I don't know what I would do if I were to have to settle for anything other than those.

These thoughts have just been floating around in my head for a while now. I can honestly say I am rather ashamed of these attitudes (and therefore I am considering making this post private...) but I know it's all for a reason, right?

You asked me what I want, and I said that I don't know. I don't know if I can give you what you want, and I don't think I can.

Junk food

So Junior Olympics is tomorrow and I'm really scared. I haven't been eating as carefully as I should have. I had an ice cream sundae last night and now I regret it. I don't feel like I'm in really good shape like I was during swim season at MHS. I just feel... normal. Therefore my game plan for tomorrow is just to arrive, warm up, swim, warm down, wait for Gideon and Kelvin to finish, shower, then take a nap during the hour-long ride home... which basically translates to get in, get out, get ahead. 100 back ain't that long anyways. I'll be beyond satisfied if I can reach my PR of 1:04.93 (which seems to be unattainable now), although it was be AWESOME if I drop a few milliseconds. Who knows, I haven't swam at a long course meet in months.

The US History test at Deanza wasn't too horrible. Easier than I thought, but still hard nonetheless. Thank god I had Jonathan, Kevin, and Tram taking it with me. Without that major cram session, I wouldn't have been able to answer a lot of the stupid questions. Sorry Kevin for accidentally-on-purpose dropping your phone. And Tram, those macbook pictures seriously made me laugh so hard that I cried, haha.

I try to use my wishes veeeery carefully. There is a bigger picture. Don't you think it's silly to wish for a short term desire?

Declaration

I hereby declare that I no longer care about AP World chapter tests. Instead, I will be focusing my energy on the AP World test in May which, apparently, has only a 40something% pass rate in the United States (says Maggie Blackburn). I would also like to declare that I care a lot about my English and Chem grades because they are low A's, dangerously close to A-'s. And in PE, our rugball team got 3rd in playoffs but Osborne grades according to wins/losses (Have you met her son? Not bad looking...). That possible A- or B+ bothers me too, but let's just hope I get a better team tomorrow.

2 more tests tomorrow. My teachers must have been COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to all the star testing that has been going on this week and decided to put 2 tests on the Friday before spring break. Well actually, since I have declared that I no longer care about AP World, I actually only have 1 test tomorrow. I am quite nervous about that test in English, especially since I finished the last half of All Quiet on the Western Front in the last 2 days.

Swimming practice has been good lately. Extremely painful, but effective. I am actually trying harder now. And you, please don't bring me down. For spring break, I am considering going to both the morning and afternoon practice, but let's see how Day 1 turns out before I make any crazy decisions.

Are you serious!?

1. I thought I didn't mind all that bullcrap, but I do mind. You know what? I'm done, I am not gonna mind anymore. I am getting so much better at not giving a damn.
2. I can't believe you think I'm stupid!!! That fucking ruined my entire day! Let's see you lie to my face AGAIN, over and over. Get ready for a confrontation, cause I am heeeeella pissed right now.
3. Through it all, thanks. Everyone is losing friends left and right but I still can depend on you. Gotta appreciate.
4. It pisses me off that you don't care about things that you should care about, so that means I won't care when you screw yourself over. It's only fair, right? Grow up!

School is such a distraction from... school! Sometimes, I wish I was homeschooled just so I could focus on what is really important.

Test fatigue sucks. And I am in a bad mood now too, because of #2. UGHHHHH! Spring break... where are you?