Revolutionary

My AP World teacher gets off topic a lot, this is pretty much the gist of his lecture today:

You can't go into a class wanting to leave. If you dread entering that class, it is gonna be pure pain for you the whole damn time.

That happened to hit me hard. When he said that, I was just thinking about how freaking long this semester is gonna be. I can't enter this semester in this fucking mood. I feel like I am stuck, sick, stressed, useless. The hamster on a wheel. The constant pressure of doing everything and doing everything well. I really want out although I now realize I am not gonna get out. At least not anytime soon. I guess there is no use in using all my brainpower to try to fast-forward my life cause that really isn't how I am supposed to live it. I am really trying to notice a little bit of something in each of my classes to look forward to, whether it be a friend or a interesting topic. I might as well look for some kind of meaning in why things are instead of completely blanking out. I'm still looking.

"I hate life!" Tram always says that and it gets stuck in my head (Ugh Tram! Haha just kidding.) There are times when I really think I have no other choice but to give up. I don't know where I am going and I don't know how to get there, so what's the damn point? And then I get distracted by something else. I forget, because thank God I am forgetful (a useful coping mechanism). Maybe that's the answer to all life's problems, a worthy and interesting distraction. Maybe we can't completely solve a mystery but instead, get depressed about not solving the mystery until we are forced to deal with another mystery.

Life isn't a black hole. It's hard, long, and disappointing hole. It's a really really dark gray hole, a dark gray that is infinitely close to black. But rest assured, it is not a black hole.

Everything sucks right now, so I am sitting here waiting for my next mood swing to lift me right back up to ME.