On the block

You know, I think it's time I dove headfirst. Jumping is fine, entering feet first is even better. But diving? Oh my gosh, it is just plain scary. I love taking risks, physically. I love heights and roller coasters. Adventure sports totally turn me on. But it's not that kind of risk. It's the emotional risks that are the ones I worry about. You would think it's the other way around cause a physical risk could mean death, while emotional only would mean, well... sadness. But not for me. Fearless in one sense, but completely fearful in another.

The perfect metaphor is swimming. Before a race, I know exactly how I am planning to enter the water. Arms in streamline, legs together & straight, head down, body in a perfect line, and a beautiful jump for plenty of height and distance. That's how I want my dive to be. That's what I tell myself what I am going to do. And I assure myself: remember it, no mistakes, you got this. & I am not nervous but at peace with the fact that everything will work out. So I step on the block cautiously, (obviously as to not fall onto the concrete pool deck) and I do a quick run through in my mind. I know what I want, down to the last detail. Every movement has been repeated in my head more than enough times. "Take you mark, BEEEP." & what happens next? My mind clears, everything gone. In the air, I suddenly feel everything just slip out. Streamline? Yes. Head down? Yes. Legs together? Almost. Beautiful jump? Not really, but close. Not everything went as planned. & that is exactly what I am afraid of. Entering a situation with a clear mindset and plan outlined, but in the spur of the moment, it all disappears. & I think to myself, how could I be so stupid? Perfect plan = perfect actions, right? Then how could I mess up so badly when I wasn't even supposed to in the first place? How could I plan every detail, but manage to leave out the part where I mess up? How could I forget something so important? How could I have so many regrets?

Come to think of it, maybe I just gotta remember to keep swimming. Maybe I need to keep reassuring myself, I have to give it what I got but sometimes, it just doesn't work. Maybe beautiful plans don't happen all the time. Maybe it won't affect me all that much. Maybe it's just a dive, there has got to be more opportunities. In fact, I have the whole race ahead of me. Maybe I can recover, enough to not only finish but to win. & maybe, being on the block isn't all that scary after all.