Today my dad told me to relax a little and to get some more sleep. I can't decide whether or not his words came at the right time. I want to blame him and my mom for winding me up to want more than I can get, to take on more than I can handle, to compare what I do with those around me, but then I feel a wave of guilt. I am thankful that they have allowed me to pursue whatever tickled my fancy because I love what I do. I love everything, give or take moments of frustration. If I didn't love it, I wouldn't do it. But right now, I know that things are starting to bite me in the ass. I can't give a half-assed effort in the endeavors that I pursue and expect a full reward.
I think I have developed a pattern. A lifetime ago, you scarred me. I was young, confused, and didn't fully realize the extent of my feelings. I still don't. Most of how I react is either directly or indirectly caused by you. That's how big of an impact you had on me, and I bet you don't even realize it. And after all these years, you still look the same.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Chugging along
I don't like being moody, but I am a terribly moody person. I'm sure it annoys my closest friends and it definitely annoys me too. I don't really understand how I can be completely I'm-on-top-of-the-world euphoric and fuck-off-cause-I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck pissed the next minute. And there are a few certain people I take it out on that don't deserve it at all; I'm sorry and please bear with me. I sincerely hope that when the stress of high school is over, I will be my sweet old self from... 4th grade? haha. Buuuuuuut, not likely. College will be worse.
My internet addiction is disgraceful. And I'm hungry all the freakin' time. I have no self-control when it comes to internet and food. If it weren't for swimming, I would send my weight scale on a hey day. And I would like to completely ignore homework like a badass if it weren't for the consequences of failing. Actually, no need. My grades in school are pretty ridiculous; I feel ashamed even thinking about it.
I wish I could somehow train my mind into making me a morning person. I wake up every morning feeling like I would trade my life just to sleep forever. I feel like I need caffeine but I would like to hold off on an addiction for as long as I can. And I've been starting to get painful migraines throughout the day, especially after I take a test or if I'm thinking too hard. I usually just stab my temples with my finger and hope that one pain will cancel out the other. I am resisting from painkillers too; that would be even worse than a coffee addiction.
One day, my brother is going to pwn at swimming. By his glory days, he will be a beast and totally enviable. Right now, he's just guppy/fish-like. However, he's darker than me now. By summer, we will be as black as this nasty, rotten banana three inches to my left, because we are already quite chocolate-y and it's only April!
Koreans have like the best music, hottest pop singers, yummiest foods, and they are the masters of dramas. It seems like such a wonderful world in Korea. I have new found appreciation for anything Korean. (oh haaaay! if you could recommend some great new Korean songs, that would be just too kind of you<3)
I need to find some motivation to power through these last few weeks of junior year. After DCON (OMFG! 2 DAYS!!!) and Junior Prom (YAAAY! 9 DAYS!!!), I will have nothing interesting going on other than school-related nonsense. I feel like I need some spice in my life.
My internet addiction is disgraceful. And I'm hungry all the freakin' time. I have no self-control when it comes to internet and food. If it weren't for swimming, I would send my weight scale on a hey day. And I would like to completely ignore homework like a badass if it weren't for the consequences of failing. Actually, no need. My grades in school are pretty ridiculous; I feel ashamed even thinking about it.
I wish I could somehow train my mind into making me a morning person. I wake up every morning feeling like I would trade my life just to sleep forever. I feel like I need caffeine but I would like to hold off on an addiction for as long as I can. And I've been starting to get painful migraines throughout the day, especially after I take a test or if I'm thinking too hard. I usually just stab my temples with my finger and hope that one pain will cancel out the other. I am resisting from painkillers too; that would be even worse than a coffee addiction.
One day, my brother is going to pwn at swimming. By his glory days, he will be a beast and totally enviable. Right now, he's just guppy/fish-like. However, he's darker than me now. By summer, we will be as black as this nasty, rotten banana three inches to my left, because we are already quite chocolate-y and it's only April!
Koreans have like the best music, hottest pop singers, yummiest foods, and they are the masters of dramas. It seems like such a wonderful world in Korea. I have new found appreciation for anything Korean. (oh haaaay! if you could recommend some great new Korean songs, that would be just too kind of you<3)
I need to find some motivation to power through these last few weeks of junior year. After DCON (OMFG! 2 DAYS!!!) and Junior Prom (YAAAY! 9 DAYS!!!), I will have nothing interesting going on other than school-related nonsense. I feel like I need some spice in my life.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
F
So I fail at chem, summer internships, swimming, SATs, and calc.
Things to look forward to until summer: SAT I in May, SAT II Math 2 and SAT II Chemistry in June, AP Chemistry and AP Calculus in May, other internship rejections, Saturday mornings devoted to AP Calc/Chem study sessions, ACTs?, last chances to make CCS, finals.
Everything is too hard. I just want to sleep more than 6 hours per night, get rid of the constant soreness from swimming, and NOT wake up feeling like I want to sleep forever. Yeah, fuck life.
Things to look forward to until summer: SAT I in May, SAT II Math 2 and SAT II Chemistry in June, AP Chemistry and AP Calculus in May, other internship rejections, Saturday mornings devoted to AP Calc/Chem study sessions, ACTs?, last chances to make CCS, finals.
Everything is too hard. I just want to sleep more than 6 hours per night, get rid of the constant soreness from swimming, and NOT wake up feeling like I want to sleep forever. Yeah, fuck life.
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