Purpose defeated

I don't have any more urges to blog. What's the point anyways? I might stop using Blogspot for the same reason that I stopped using Twitter: I really don't care. It's rather boring to read about posts where people describe in detail their daily activities, and it must be boring to read about mine. I only know about two blogs, tops, that actually talk about things worth blogging about, written by friends who actually have the guts (unlike me) to show the world that they are strong, passionate, and human.

Aren't blogs supposed to be a platform where you can vent your feelings and emotions, share your creativity and ideas, and connect with your friends on a deeper level? Cause this blog hasn't done any of the above for me. I still haven't grown accustomed to telling my feelings to the world; after all, I created a password-protected private blog which makes this public blog entirely useless. My creativity nowadays is limited to calculus formulas, MLA rules, and chemical equations; whatever thoughts I have floating in my head disappear when I finally decide I want to blog after god-knows-how-long. And honestly, reading about how someone's day went event-by-event doesn't tell me squat about the person.

Think about this, why do you blog? I no longer have an answer to that question.

What's in your dream?

Last night, I had a dream that I was about to marry James Marsden in a pink wedding dress but I was having second thoughts about the marriage and was planning to say no at the altar. That makes no sense, cause I don't even like James Marsden all that much (except maybe a little in Enchanted but I don't think he's a super special actor or anything...) and I DO NOT want a pink wedding dress. And before the wedding, I was freaking out because my mom only invited family and forgot to invite my friends. Thankfully I woke up before I could enjoy that disaster of a wedding.

Last week, I had a dream that my friend, Ric Chi, died by drowning and me and Cecilia were crying our eyes out. I DO NOT WANT HIM TO DIE AT ALL. I woke up feeling so sad. And then I was so confused cause it was the most random dream ever (except when I had that recurring dream about Godzilla chasing me over a cobblestone bridge a few years ago) with the most random person ever. Sorry Ric, I'll knock on wood for you.

Any idea what those mean?

Here and there

I really need to spend less time on the computer. I have a faint memory of making some computer rules for myself back when school started but I haven't really been following them at all. But from now on, and I WILL try this time, I'll become an endangered species on AIM and I'm gonna seriously limit my Facebook time. I'm really beginning to think my time has gone to waste and I want it back.

My October SAT scores really disappointed me, to an extent in which I will not elaborate on here (let's just say that I did not take it well at all and I am still rather sensitive if someone brings it up). But my mom and I have had a real heart-to-heart talk and I've come to realize that no matter what, she is always right. She has always known the bigger picture better than I ever have. I want to listen to her and I'm gonna try to listen to her.

I'm losing focus in school. I can't seem to concentrate or summon enough energy to really try anymore and I can't figure out why. I convince myself that I'm doing my best but I know I'm not. My test grades are depressing and I have strong urges to call myself stupid, useless, etc... but in actuality, I know why I don't do well anymore. I've stopped studying, I've stopped actually trying to learn, and because of that, I've lost a lot of my confidence in my abilities. I still want that A more than ever, but I'm not doing as much as I should to actually earn it. In the end, I'm trying to juggle six challenging classes where I have mediocre and unacceptable grades (except French 3, but that doesn't even matter) and I hate myself for even having my grade that low in the first place. It's gonna be an uphill battle to bring my grades back but I have no other choice but to do it.

I am starting to notice that any conversation about the randomest thing in the world always manages to end up turning into a conversation about colleges/college apps/SATs. It's starting to bother me because I don't especially like talking about it on a daily basis, but it always happens. Have you noticed that?

Happy birthday my love Ashleezy. I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to the lunch, but do know that I love you and I sincerely hope you had a wonderful time because you truly do deserve it.

Hi Donkey Kong :)