This week really seemed like it flew by; it was a nice and rather breezy week. It's hard to believe it's already the weekend. I've been in a good mood lately.
I like where me and my parents are right now. I can open up more about my life and school without being as ashamed of certain test scores as I used to be. I like how we've gotten to this point where they support my decisions and can really trust me as best as parents can. I feel like they want to hold on to me a little longer but they respect the fact that I need my independence. I can pretty much go anywhere with my car as long as I tell them and it's reasonably close and safe. Although I still don't tell them EVERYTHING (definitely not boys still...), it's definitely somewhere and I'm very happy about that. I am lucky to have two parents that love and care about me.
I like how I'm beginning to let you in a little. I need time; this just takes some time.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Speed bumps
I think I rely too much on my accomplishments to make me happy, and I fall back on the belief that I'm a failure when I screw something up on a quiz or some other test of what I have learned. It's becoming an increasing pattern of behavior since the beginning of junior year, I can't really explain why or how. If I'm sad, it's because of Calc or English or Chem, and if I'm happy, it's because of the above as well (for example, getting a 6 on the CAML the first time I took it made me giddy for the rest of that day, and a bit of the day after). These mood swings are effective for the whole day (and then some); they're not just some temporary feeling of meager disappointment or joy. They're more pronounced than they ever were. I think it's a rather depressing state of being, but it's becoming quite common for me. I don't especially like thinking in this way, but I can't imagine NOT thinking like this because all my hard work becomes meaningless if I were to suddenly slip somewhere along the way. I said I had to change my mindset, and this is how I'm doing it.
My friend said his biggest fear was to not be successful and I couldn't agree more. In general, success is defined as a goal you strive for. A mark of success can be different from one person to the next. As of right now, my definition of success is being accepted to either Stanford or an Ivy League (maybe a UC as backup). I don't know what I would do if I were to have to settle for anything other than those.
These thoughts have just been floating around in my head for a while now. I can honestly say I am rather ashamed of these attitudes (and therefore I am considering making this post private...) but I know it's all for a reason, right?
You asked me what I want, and I said that I don't know. I don't know if I can give you what you want, and I don't think I can.
My friend said his biggest fear was to not be successful and I couldn't agree more. In general, success is defined as a goal you strive for. A mark of success can be different from one person to the next. As of right now, my definition of success is being accepted to either Stanford or an Ivy League (maybe a UC as backup). I don't know what I would do if I were to have to settle for anything other than those.
These thoughts have just been floating around in my head for a while now. I can honestly say I am rather ashamed of these attitudes (and therefore I am considering making this post private...) but I know it's all for a reason, right?
You asked me what I want, and I said that I don't know. I don't know if I can give you what you want, and I don't think I can.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Homecoming 2009
Rally, Carnival, Football, Dance game... why do all the fun things get smooshed into a period of 24 hours?! Goodbye Homecoming week...
Rally skits were entertaining and it's interesting that the admin censored the hip-hop club dance for the second rally because apparently it wasn't "appropriate." Carnival was quite exhausting, especially walking around trying to sell nachos, but at least I had 2 cups of milk tea to power me through the rest of the afternoon. And I was pleasantly surprised and amazed that our school had such good bands, lead by some great singers. And we won the football game against Mountain View (48-18). The Homecoming game is always a good experience because there's so many people and the atmosphere is pretty laid-back with a slight bit of competitiveness. The dance was pretty sick, especially with my girls that went (I wish Courtney went though!). I'm curious to see how my pic with Trevor turned out. This is my favorite!
It's always sad to go home from dances, (especially knowing that you missed your curfew by almost 2 hours) mostly because you spent all that time preparing and getting hyped up about it... and then it's over within a few hours and life is back to normal.
I wish I could figure out what that simple gesture really means.
Rally skits were entertaining and it's interesting that the admin censored the hip-hop club dance for the second rally because apparently it wasn't "appropriate." Carnival was quite exhausting, especially walking around trying to sell nachos, but at least I had 2 cups of milk tea to power me through the rest of the afternoon. And I was pleasantly surprised and amazed that our school had such good bands, lead by some great singers. And we won the football game against Mountain View (48-18). The Homecoming game is always a good experience because there's so many people and the atmosphere is pretty laid-back with a slight bit of competitiveness. The dance was pretty sick, especially with my girls that went (I wish Courtney went though!). I'm curious to see how my pic with Trevor turned out. This is my favorite!
It's always sad to go home from dances, (especially knowing that you missed your curfew by almost 2 hours) mostly because you spent all that time preparing and getting hyped up about it... and then it's over within a few hours and life is back to normal.
I wish I could figure out what that simple gesture really means.
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