Sidenote

So I miss you like crazy and you're pretty much all I think about now. I want to see you again, sometime really soon. Oh and I love reading your blog. It puts a huge smile on my face :)

You know, I used to have a certain spot and I liked that spot. I felt happy, satisfied, confident. But I don't have that spot anymore and for some odd (actually, entirely explainable) reason, I don't care anymore. If I was the freshman or sophomore me, I would have felt kinda pissed and let down. But at this point in my life, I feel like I have exactly who I need. I have people who actually give a damn about me. It's plain stupid of me to expect so much, so I'm not blamely you entirely. And yeah, I'm a total hypocrite, but there are concepts that you need to understand first: I did what I could, but it's always a two-way street (technically, more like an intersection). You tried, I tried, and I guess it just ain't gonna work out. What a shame.

And the sad part is? After realizing all of this, I still know that nothing is gonna change, I'm just gonna go back to doing what I always do.

I wish I was back at camp. Things were a lot less complicated.

More than a triangle

This is turning out to be way too confusing. I think I should get out of this square/pentagon crap when I have a chance. Otherwise, I would be a total hypocrite. I am trying to help you realize some things, but it seems this is all doomed from the start. *Private blog. Hi there, it sure has been a while.

Thought this might be interesting:

"I [got famous] the way you are supposed to. I played every club in New York City and I bombed in every club and then killed it in every club and I found myself as an artist. I learned how to survive as an artist, get real, and how to fail and then figure out who I was as singer and performer. And, I worked hard." --Lady Gaga

I was kinda surprised when I found out she wasn't born onto a reality show or had her fame handed to her from music execs. I think it's great and very respectable that she had to work for it from a young age and face tons of rejection before getting her big break. And look where she is today. I am a huge believer that hard work pays off, that focusing on certain things with enough motivation will get you places.

Cause heaven ain't close in a place like this

1. I made a big deal out of nothing and now I feel like an idiot.
2. I said things I didn't really mean and was being hypocritical.
3. I felt relieved because of someone else's disappointment.

Yeah, all of those numbers are all 3 completely different things where I screwed up. Oh my gosh, I am such a hoooorible person!! I need to get over myself, grow up, and stop being such a big baby.

Dang, FML. I suck.

Modern society

Sometimes I wonder why people have a blog, cause they don't even use it. When they do, they ramble on and on, or talk in another language, or say how wonderful things are (Yeah, I think I may be sounding like a hypocrite here, but whatever). Sometimes I wonder why I have a blog. I don't say everything I want to say because I keep a lot of things private. It's no longer a place where I vent, but a place where I talk about things floating around in my head. Things that seem so trivial and unimportant.

I think I am losing my values. What ARE my values? They seemed so clear to me years ago: honesty, integrity, modesty, selflessness. I am proud of things that I have accomplished to get me where I am, but I am not necessarily proud of some ways that got me here. I have worked my ass off in so many ways but whenever I see a shortcut, more often than not, I take it.

If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values - that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control. --Martin Luther King Jr.

Well, I can blog all day about my mistakes but I never seem to learn my lesson... so why am I here?

Update

Haven't had the time or effort to blog much (hey, a preview of next year, when I will have no time to do anything whatsoever).

Speaking of next year, it's that time of year to pick classes! I looooove picking classes, more so than I like taking them. My junior year schedule, if everything works out perfectly: Honors English (Hanley), AP US History (Ducote), AP Calculus AB (Nguyen), AP Chemistry (Meyer), Journalism (Colburn), and Ceramics (Already my favorite class haha). I think I have too many AP classes and I am quite sure that I will regret it. But I usually underestimate myself and I do know that if I say that I commit to it, I will. If you aim low, you expect nothing else than failing. Aim high, try harder, get better results, right? (Kinda like my attitude towards swimming? Ehh... not really.)

Also this summer, physics at Mission. I am considering Santa Clara swimming (4 hours of BRUTAL practice a day, plus an hour of conditioning twice a week!) but I don't know if I can handle it. I WANT to get better at swimming and I know I can improve, I'm just unsure if I will be able to keep up. Rumors of Santa Clara really scare the shit out of me.

Speaking of swimming... (wow, everything just flows together!) we lost badly against Santa Clara. This was our last meet before Leagues in a month. Coach was pretty unhappy at the start of the meet, apparently Los Altos was being unfair in something. I got a PR in 500 free though (6:07) and 1st in 100 back (1:06). Even still, I am kinda disappointed about the 100 back cause I am not maintaining my CCS time! Why!? I did it once, can't I do it again? I have 5 weeks left, make it or break it (Ugh, reminds me of stupid, useless STAR testing).

Gideon took a picture of Ryan Lochte in the "steamy" boys locker room! My loves are P, R, and D (in that order, hehe). Only Wendy knows who they are (;

Guess what? I found out something that made me scream today. I still want to scream... WOOOOHOOOO! I can't believe I got it! Well actually, it is still unofficial but STILL! AHHHHHH! :D

Oh yeah, and that alliance is plain stupid. At least have the balls to do it individually, instead of taking a shortcut. It leaves everyone else in the dust and is completely unfair to them. What hypocrites.