In a lot of ways, I think I am cold-blooded, cruel, mean, heartless. But in a lot of other ways, I think I am sticking up for myself and for my heart. Maybe I am just throwing back the world what the world threw at me in the first place. I need SOME kind of a defense right? Defense from being let down, from disappointment, from false promises. I wish I had a stronger wall to weather all of that. Actually, a part of that barrier was built up roughly 2 years ago as a result of a huge learning experience (the way I see it now). Being displaced at a faster rate than I thought is rather difficult. But maybe it’s just another chance for me to grow up and to realize that I can’t depend on anyone except myself. "People always leave," right? It no longer sounds like a depressing and emo line from One Tree Hill. In many ways, it’s reality. People leave, for different reasons, lying about different excuses, going down different paths... but in the end, they are still gone. I have always been independent, no doubt about it. I hate being dependent or clingy, and it bothers me when someone is so dependent or clingy on another person. It annoys me and kinda makes me want to scream at them. After all, it’s just another sign of weakness. I really wish I could respect you more, I think it’s all your fault things are the way they are. But I can’t, because we are such opposites. Maybe not in appearance or words, but definitely in outlook and attitude. But then again, I think I am too hard on people and maybe I am too ignorant to realize it. I think I am too hard on myself and maybe I am too busy to stop and think about it. I think I changed too much but maybe I just never realized what I realize now, maybe the problem was always there and I finally see it. I think this change makes me happy in some ways but disappointed in other ways. I think I need to stop thinking about the big picture and maybe I should focus on the little things in life. But then again... that’s pretty much the major change in me. I have realized there is a future, but a limited future to those who work hard enough. Therefore, I must do everything I can to guarantee I grow up to be successful. Everything else just seems so trivial to me now. And maybe that is not a good thing at all. But maybe, when I am 70 years old and looking back on my high school years, I will laugh about how stupid all those high school matters were. Laughing all the way to my grave about how I could possibly even consider wasting my time on something so stupid and unimportant when I could be focusing on something that will stay with me for a lifetime, my education. Because, in the end, people always leave. They leave behind a trail of disappointment, regret, frustration, and confusion. It’s always a matter of time before someone is nothing but a faint memory.
Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for everything I have. I really am. But sometimes, my small problems seem to really paralyze my brain and get me into thinking that they are bigger than they actually are. Only this time, it’s more recurrent than usual and less sporadical.