Lessons of the Day

- Have high standards, don't settle for anything less than the best. We all deserve more than what we set ourselves up to be. Do not expect flaws to suddenly turn into perfection. Do not keep reassuring yourself that you are not worthy of something, because you are. I am.
- You are alone. Sure, we have best friends for certain things. But in reality, it's just you and the world. Don't depend on anyone, because it only gives them power. And placing too much love and dependence on a friend only gives her more power to hurt you. But complete independence is very hard to achieve, you learn from mistakes and being hurt along the way. And courage is a must, but I am far from being courageous.

Today, these just really hit home with me. & I think I should record my lessons of the day more often. I tend to forget and I am forced to relearn the same lessons.

I really wasn't looking forward to Halloween. I hate to say this, but candy doesn't have the same appeal with me and dressing up... not so much anymore. I wish I could love Halloween cause I don't want to grow up. I don't want to be where I am. I want to feel the same way about things I used to love, kid things from not long ago. Instead, I'm turning into an old lady. I still went trick-or-treating but (& I hate to say this) it got boring after a while. Didn't feel like I was in the party mood or any kind of festive mood. Just tired, the usual tired. I'm always tired nowadays. I hope you guys had a Happy Halloween though. Maybe next year for me.

^ Buy Sees candy from me! It's for Camp Everytown.

On the block

You know, I think it's time I dove headfirst. Jumping is fine, entering feet first is even better. But diving? Oh my gosh, it is just plain scary. I love taking risks, physically. I love heights and roller coasters. Adventure sports totally turn me on. But it's not that kind of risk. It's the emotional risks that are the ones I worry about. You would think it's the other way around cause a physical risk could mean death, while emotional only would mean, well... sadness. But not for me. Fearless in one sense, but completely fearful in another.

The perfect metaphor is swimming. Before a race, I know exactly how I am planning to enter the water. Arms in streamline, legs together & straight, head down, body in a perfect line, and a beautiful jump for plenty of height and distance. That's how I want my dive to be. That's what I tell myself what I am going to do. And I assure myself: remember it, no mistakes, you got this. & I am not nervous but at peace with the fact that everything will work out. So I step on the block cautiously, (obviously as to not fall onto the concrete pool deck) and I do a quick run through in my mind. I know what I want, down to the last detail. Every movement has been repeated in my head more than enough times. "Take you mark, BEEEP." & what happens next? My mind clears, everything gone. In the air, I suddenly feel everything just slip out. Streamline? Yes. Head down? Yes. Legs together? Almost. Beautiful jump? Not really, but close. Not everything went as planned. & that is exactly what I am afraid of. Entering a situation with a clear mindset and plan outlined, but in the spur of the moment, it all disappears. & I think to myself, how could I be so stupid? Perfect plan = perfect actions, right? Then how could I mess up so badly when I wasn't even supposed to in the first place? How could I plan every detail, but manage to leave out the part where I mess up? How could I forget something so important? How could I have so many regrets?

Come to think of it, maybe I just gotta remember to keep swimming. Maybe I need to keep reassuring myself, I have to give it what I got but sometimes, it just doesn't work. Maybe beautiful plans don't happen all the time. Maybe it won't affect me all that much. Maybe it's just a dive, there has got to be more opportunities. In fact, I have the whole race ahead of me. Maybe I can recover, enough to not only finish but to win. & maybe, being on the block isn't all that scary after all.

Proposition

NO on Prop. 4 and 8. I believe both deny people the right to choose, which is our most important right as citizens of a free country. Whether to CHOOSE if you want to tell you parents about your abortion, or CHOOSE to have a gay wedding, I fully support the right to not only equality, but the choice. & I received my Obama pin today in the mail, maybe I should start using my backpack more so I can pin it on. I did mail-in voting for both of my parents! Yaay! Did my research, connected the arrow, and mailed both in. I feel so accomplished, no kidding.

I pulled my calf muscle today... I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming. Like Eddie would say, I "look like a tard" limping around. Chinese medicine has been applied! So hopefully it will be better by 1st period rugball tomorrow.