Revolutionary

My AP World teacher gets off topic a lot, this is pretty much the gist of his lecture today:

You can't go into a class wanting to leave. If you dread entering that class, it is gonna be pure pain for you the whole damn time.

That happened to hit me hard. When he said that, I was just thinking about how freaking long this semester is gonna be. I can't enter this semester in this fucking mood. I feel like I am stuck, sick, stressed, useless. The hamster on a wheel. The constant pressure of doing everything and doing everything well. I really want out although I now realize I am not gonna get out. At least not anytime soon. I guess there is no use in using all my brainpower to try to fast-forward my life cause that really isn't how I am supposed to live it. I am really trying to notice a little bit of something in each of my classes to look forward to, whether it be a friend or a interesting topic. I might as well look for some kind of meaning in why things are instead of completely blanking out. I'm still looking.

"I hate life!" Tram always says that and it gets stuck in my head (Ugh Tram! Haha just kidding.) There are times when I really think I have no other choice but to give up. I don't know where I am going and I don't know how to get there, so what's the damn point? And then I get distracted by something else. I forget, because thank God I am forgetful (a useful coping mechanism). Maybe that's the answer to all life's problems, a worthy and interesting distraction. Maybe we can't completely solve a mystery but instead, get depressed about not solving the mystery until we are forced to deal with another mystery.

Life isn't a black hole. It's hard, long, and disappointing hole. It's a really really dark gray hole, a dark gray that is infinitely close to black. But rest assured, it is not a black hole.

Everything sucks right now, so I am sitting here waiting for my next mood swing to lift me right back up to ME.

First day of nothing

I was really excited for swim practice today... but, there was none. Pool was "Alcatraz" cold and there were gross stuff floating around. So we just set up the lanelines, then I went to Nob Hill with Wendy for some fried chicken, just like old times.


This semester does not seem like its gonna be any better than first. If anything, more stressful. Chinese New Year celebrations last night (webcamming with family in China was bittersweet, I hella miss all of them) made me very tired throughout the day today. Nevertheless, I was in a jolly good mood & looking forward to the (cancelled) practice.

Oh yeah, led my first Science Olympiad meeting. Ivy wasn't there so she told me to run it and I freeeeeaked. Thankfully, Ms. Meyer helped me. I hope I sounded leader-like (or whatever you call it). Its quite fun, having almost total command of a room.

Happy New Year!

Thought that I was stronger

$600 from Chinese New Years! It's times like this when I love being Chinese (Not to say I hate it the rest of the time, I just appreciate it more haha). Brunch was heeeeella good, lobster in the morning only happens like three times a year when our 5 or so families get together so I must enjoy it while it lasts! Don't think I can survive dinner when I am this full.

Thought this was interesting: “The period around Chinese New Year is also the time of the largest human migration, when migrant workers in China, as well as overseas Chinese around the world travel home to have reunion dinners with their families on Chinese New Year's eve.” (Source: Wikipedia) I'm not really surprised about the migration: the trains in China around this time are craaaaaazy. My mom was telling me how when she was a student in China away from home, every Chinese New Year she would take the train home and her feet wouldn't be able to touch the ground because it was so crowded. Who knows if she was exaggerating... I have seen a train where there were a mass of black-haired heads, with each head about an inch or so away from the next. It wasn't even rush hour!

I wanna visit the rest of my family back in China, they all live so close together and can visit each other anytime they want. All we have here are family friends so it's kinda more formal, less comfortable or fun.

Love Guru is hilarious. & yes, I realize I am pretty behind on movies. Later on, I'm gonna watch Iron Man and enjoy this weekend right before our damn 2nd semester starts.

Private blog today. “Thought that I was stronger, part II”