"Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it." I took a chance, but in the end it wasn't worth it. It's funny how you end up getting exactly what you had expected. It was dumb to expect that you would be any different towards me. Why expect more when you'll only be disappointed?
My relationship with swimming is so complicated. I can probably guarantee you that it's worse than having a uber dramatic boyfriend. Swimming beats you, pounds you, slaps you, whips you into shape, stabs you in the back, and lets you down. You're constantly pushing your body to the limit; however, even more so, my mind is pushed to the limit. A part of me wants to blame my training or coaches for my not-so-satisfying results, but I think that my mindset has changed. I don't even know what I want to get out of swimming anymore. CCS was the last thing on my mind last year; I was so far from it that when I qualified, I yelled at the person timing me cause I thought he was wrong. Now, everyone expects me to qualify again that it's become mentally impossible for me to. Even with the new and harder time standards, I don't believe I am close to making it this year. Can I just clarify to myself that I swim because I love it? It's a mantra that I seem to have forgotten lately. No matter how much I convince myself I want to qualify for CCS again, it's not why I started swimming, and neither is it why I will continue swimming for as long as I am actively living. CCS is a great motivation during practice but it has so consumed my mind that I can't seem to focus clearly. My thoughts and goals are so skewed that I'm gaining time when I should be dropping. It's getting slightly more difficult to remember that swimming is the one hobby that I am most passionate about, even though it's a total emotional rollercoaster ride. The experience I've gained and the people I've met have forever defined my life and hopefully those reasons will continue to why I swim.
It bothers me how one disappointment can lead me to question my whole life. Like.. what's the purpose of everything? Why do I do what I do? Are the things I'm doing even worth it? Swimming is a disappointment, my grades are seriously slipping, I fail at studying for tests, I miss my friends, I wish I could tell my brother all the right things, and I'm harsh to the people I care most about. Everything, all the stress, just got to me today; so much so that I even cried in public. Previously, I was kinda known as the hardass that never cries. Now, I'm just spewing emotion all over the place. This is definitely not the same Caroline that my friends probably know. I guess I'm just in one of those fuck-off/fuck-me/fuck-my-life moods.
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