The greatest people

Swim season 2010 is over. I really don't know what to say without being uber cliche, but the end of swim season is always the end of a part of my life. The daily routine of practice really grew on me. When life got hard, or when everything else was changing for the worst, I knew that getting in the pool, seeing my swimming buddies, and being able to swim my troubles away was the one thing that could remain constant. It was the one aspect of life I could always depend on and it made life a little less complicated. This year is the hardest, cause a majority of the team is the class of 2010 and everyone has gotten so much closer. We've seen each other practically naked, at our low points, being miserable and cranky at practice, and right after we just swam a terrible race, but we're still here for each other nonetheless. I feel like the seniors on the team each deserve a special little dedication, so here I go.

Wendy Yim, I honestly don't know what I am gonna do without you. We've been swimming every single day for almost 5 years now. When everyone else skipped practice for whatever odd reason, I knew it was practically a given that I would see you at practice and that was reassuring to me. I'm gonna dearly miss our daily routines of complaining about being sore/tired/cold/lazy/hungry, reluctantly changing into our swimsuits, hopping into freezing water, whining about sets, showering, gossiping, and saying "bye, see you at practice tomorrow!" It's gonna be hard to not cheer you on at meets or knowing that you're cheering me on at my events. You have been my one and only Bus Buddy for every single meet for more than two years now; that's more than 30 meets and 60 bus rides together where we've slept, talked, laughed, and took pictures. You've seen me without braces, with braces, and without braces again, and I've seen you go through the exact same process; that's how long we've known each other. We've been through so many tough sets and workouts together. You were the first face I saw at 5am in the summer and the last face I saw at 6pm in the fall, winter, and spring. You're the person that I've suffered with through all of these years. You were the one person who I could talk to about anyone on the team or even the coach without being afraid that you would go behind my back and tell that person. I love how we could trust each other, even though we hung out with a totally different group of friends at school. There's this unique bond, a different and stronger kind of friendship, when two friends have been through what we have. It's not gonna be the same with you in college and me still stuck in high school. For me, swimming isn't really swimming without my best friend. How can I look forward to next swim season without you?

Wow, I just cried -__- Geez. ugh, whatever. I'll continue anyways.

Kelvin Shing, you are such an adorable guy. I love how you always smile like a giddy little kid, no matter what. You have amazing stamina and I've always respected how you never complain about swimming or a set. I'll miss your creepy laugh, weird stare, tummy roll, and little giggle. We've been swimming together everyday for almost 4 years now, and it's hard to believe that the time is almost here where I'll probably never swim with you again. If you don't come visit us, I'll go to Shing's Hair Studio and tell your mom to call you down to Milpitas! :)

Paxton Lund-Hayes, you have the biggest personality, but along with that, you also have the biggest heart. You're like the older sister of the team, always taking care of us like a sweet older sister would. You always know how to make things a little more interesting and we love you for that. And I've always wanted to say that you have the most beautiful and fascinating eyes ever; it honestly is hard to look away. I know you've been through a lot and we aren't the closest of friends, but I do care about you and I'm always here to listen.

Anthony Duran, I gotta say that you are one amazing team captain. You have the leadership quality in you and I know it's gonna get you far. Thanks for the pizza feed and letting your family take care of a busload of hungry swimmers. I've seen you improve so much this season. I can never understand how you can do so much butterfly in one practice but it's just another aspect that I look up to. I was so proud of you when you PR'ed at finals! :) Your artwork never ceases to amaze me and I think you deserve to work at Pixar, your dream since forever right? Your girlfriend is adorable and you guys look so great together. Duran the man, you're freakin' great.

Ashley Andrews, you are such a down-to-earth girl. It's hard to believe that you are so beastly on land in basketball and volleyball, and in the pool. I don't think there's ever been a meet where we haven't been on the same relay team, and I'm always proud to have you in my relay. You are one of the nicest people I've met and I definitely hope you stay this way.

Tam Can, I think you have the cutest smile, cutest face, and cutest laugh. And I secretly love (in a non-perverted way) saying "Tam tam!" You always take care of us with your endless supply of deliciously satisfying junk food; you always have it right when I'm about to go delirious with hunger. And thanks for saving my ass when I forgot my swim suit at the biggest meet of the year. Dork and I will definitely miss you.

Marcus Fernandez, you are too funny. Thanks for always making fun of me! :) Kidding of course. I'll never look at a potato or tomato without hearing your creepy and annoying song. But honestly, you definitely are one cool kid with a great personality. And you seem like a totally capable lifeguard, as long as you don't slip on polyfiber glass haha. You better visit us!

Joanna Yau, you are one adorable girl. You have such a sweet smile that it honestly makes me want to hug you. How dare you not swim with us before! I do wish I could have gotten to know you better, especially since I just met you this year. It's hard to believe you're leaving me after we just met. Girl, you are one fast swimmer too! For some odd reason, you remind me so much of myself. I don't know how exactly, but you do. I know we would have been great friends if we could have spent more time together. Us Chinese girls gotta stick together, you know? :) I do wish you all the best in life and hopefully we'll see each other again someday.

Matias Espinoza, you are one awesome swimmer. I like how you love playing pranks and just overall had a good attitude about everything. Great job organizing the Hometown Buffet dinner, it was definitely a good idea and I'm glad the plan came through. You, Stephen, and Marcus are such goofballs, but you guys know how to make things more fun.

And to Zack Liang, Vincent Page, Kevin Vuong, Dorothy Hoang, Amy Tran, Michelle, Katherine Vuong, Yvonne Pham, Kristi Pontipiedra, Annie Hsu, Stephen Vu, Jason Jung, and the rest of my beloved MHS swimmers: If you guys dare quit on me next year, you better watch out! The team definitely isn't the same without any of you.

Love / Hate

"Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it." I took a chance, but in the end it wasn't worth it. It's funny how you end up getting exactly what you had expected. It was dumb to expect that you would be any different towards me. Why expect more when you'll only be disappointed?

My relationship with swimming is so complicated. I can probably guarantee you that it's worse than having a uber dramatic boyfriend. Swimming beats you, pounds you, slaps you, whips you into shape, stabs you in the back, and lets you down. You're constantly pushing your body to the limit; however, even more so, my mind is pushed to the limit. A part of me wants to blame my training or coaches for my not-so-satisfying results, but I think that my mindset has changed. I don't even know what I want to get out of swimming anymore. CCS was the last thing on my mind last year; I was so far from it that when I qualified, I yelled at the person timing me cause I thought he was wrong. Now, everyone expects me to qualify again that it's become mentally impossible for me to. Even with the new and harder time standards, I don't believe I am close to making it this year. Can I just clarify to myself that I swim because I love it? It's a mantra that I seem to have forgotten lately. No matter how much I convince myself I want to qualify for CCS again, it's not why I started swimming, and neither is it why I will continue swimming for as long as I am actively living. CCS is a great motivation during practice but it has so consumed my mind that I can't seem to focus clearly. My thoughts and goals are so skewed that I'm gaining time when I should be dropping. It's getting slightly more difficult to remember that swimming is the one hobby that I am most passionate about, even though it's a total emotional rollercoaster ride. The experience I've gained and the people I've met have forever defined my life and hopefully those reasons will continue to why I swim.

It bothers me how one disappointment can lead me to question my whole life. Like.. what's the purpose of everything? Why do I do what I do? Are the things I'm doing even worth it? Swimming is a disappointment, my grades are seriously slipping, I fail at studying for tests, I miss my friends, I wish I could tell my brother all the right things, and I'm harsh to the people I care most about. Everything, all the stress, just got to me today; so much so that I even cried in public. Previously, I was kinda known as the hardass that never cries. Now, I'm just spewing emotion all over the place. This is definitely not the same Caroline that my friends probably know. I guess I'm just in one of those fuck-off/fuck-me/fuck-my-life moods.

Always wanting more

So during swim season, it bothers me that I am hungry ALL THE TIME. Not even kidding, I think about food too much. This morning, I went shopping and bought a crapload of snacks for the simple reason that I was having a terrible chocolate craving last night and naively thought to myself "I will never let this misery happen again because it sucks so badly." Sometimes I feel like my tummy is full but I want to eat more. Or I could eat until I'm completely stuffed but suddenly feel hungry an hour later. It's very difficult, especially since my dad says I'm too skinny and my mom says I'm too fat. All I know is that I eat like a pregnant lady and I need to stop.

I had a great talk with a good buddy of mine last night, and we have both established that I am a terrible person and a jerk to people who don't deserve it. I've come to realize that the closer I get, the more I want to run. I'm interested, but I'm really not interested at all. How dumb is that? How could I change my mind so easily? I honestly think that if I were to observe my life from a third-party standpoint, I would slap myself for being such a meanie. I really don't understand myself at all.