"Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it." I took a chance, but in the end it wasn't worth it. It's funny how you end up getting exactly what you had expected. It was dumb to expect that you would be any different towards me. Why expect more when you'll only be disappointed?
My relationship with swimming is so complicated. I can probably guarantee you that it's worse than having a uber dramatic boyfriend. Swimming beats you, pounds you, slaps you, whips you into shape, stabs you in the back, and lets you down. You're constantly pushing your body to the limit; however, even more so, my mind is pushed to the limit. A part of me wants to blame my training or coaches for my not-so-satisfying results, but I think that my mindset has changed. I don't even know what I want to get out of swimming anymore. CCS was the last thing on my mind last year; I was so far from it that when I qualified, I yelled at the person timing me cause I thought he was wrong. Now, everyone expects me to qualify again that it's become mentally impossible for me to. Even with the new and harder time standards, I don't believe I am close to making it this year. Can I just clarify to myself that I swim because I love it? It's a mantra that I seem to have forgotten lately. No matter how much I convince myself I want to qualify for CCS again, it's not why I started swimming, and neither is it why I will continue swimming for as long as I am actively living. CCS is a great motivation during practice but it has so consumed my mind that I can't seem to focus clearly. My thoughts and goals are so skewed that I'm gaining time when I should be dropping. It's getting slightly more difficult to remember that swimming is the one hobby that I am most passionate about, even though it's a total emotional rollercoaster ride. The experience I've gained and the people I've met have forever defined my life and hopefully those reasons will continue to why I swim.
It bothers me how one disappointment can lead me to question my whole life. Like.. what's the purpose of everything? Why do I do what I do? Are the things I'm doing even worth it? Swimming is a disappointment, my grades are seriously slipping, I fail at studying for tests, I miss my friends, I wish I could tell my brother all the right things, and I'm harsh to the people I care most about. Everything, all the stress, just got to me today; so much so that I even cried in public. Previously, I was kinda known as the hardass that never cries. Now, I'm just spewing emotion all over the place. This is definitely not the same Caroline that my friends probably know. I guess I'm just in one of those fuck-off/fuck-me/fuck-my-life moods.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Always wanting more
So during swim season, it bothers me that I am hungry ALL THE TIME. Not even kidding, I think about food too much. This morning, I went shopping and bought a crapload of snacks for the simple reason that I was having a terrible chocolate craving last night and naively thought to myself "I will never let this misery happen again because it sucks so badly." Sometimes I feel like my tummy is full but I want to eat more. Or I could eat until I'm completely stuffed but suddenly feel hungry an hour later. It's very difficult, especially since my dad says I'm too skinny and my mom says I'm too fat. All I know is that I eat like a pregnant lady and I need to stop.
I had a great talk with a good buddy of mine last night, and we have both established that I am a terrible person and a jerk to people who don't deserve it. I've come to realize that the closer I get, the more I want to run. I'm interested, but I'm really not interested at all. How dumb is that? How could I change my mind so easily? I honestly think that if I were to observe my life from a third-party standpoint, I would slap myself for being such a meanie. I really don't understand myself at all.
I had a great talk with a good buddy of mine last night, and we have both established that I am a terrible person and a jerk to people who don't deserve it. I've come to realize that the closer I get, the more I want to run. I'm interested, but I'm really not interested at all. How dumb is that? How could I change my mind so easily? I honestly think that if I were to observe my life from a third-party standpoint, I would slap myself for being such a meanie. I really don't understand myself at all.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I'm going to go punch a fucking wall
I don't know what I'm saying or doing anymore. I'm so tired. All I want to do is just sleep. But sleeping has become the easy part, I can now almost fall asleep anywhere at anytime. The hard part is waking up and realizing that I've just wasted time by sleeping; time that could have been spent doing something productive to advance my education, to improve my status in life, to get that coveted college degree, right Mom? Cause "life is about winning," right Mom? Cause I watch 30 minutes of TV for the first time in two months and suddenly I'm a TV addict, right Mom? And that's why I'm spending my spring break either studying or sleeping, nothing else, right Mom? Cause I'm not exactly a full-on disappointment, but an "implied" disappointment, right Mom? I'm 17 years old, a teenager damn it, does that mean anything anymore? I can't lean on my mother for support anymore. I can't tell her anything of value anymore, only how my day went and the change in my grades, and not how I'm really feeling or any type of emotion that a robot cannot imitate. I'm scared that I'm turning into my mother. I have become temperamental, stubborn, and a pain in the ass.
I shall go off on a tangent here cause I am pissed about my mother yelling at me for the above reasons. So Richard Zhang, by this time, you know that you are my most favorite person in the world and you deserve the world. I would give up anything for you: my parents, my accomplishments, my grades, swimming, music, my freedom. For these reasons, here is some advice regarding our parents that I want you to realize:
1. You have to take a step back and think about what you really want in life. If you don't, the days begin to blur together and events become nothing more than fillers. From one grade report to another, from one test to another, everything in between in done in anticipation of what is inevitably in the future. Don't entirely focus on the test or an event that you can anticipate but be open-minded towards the surprises that you will encounter. At some point in your life, you must run around our backyard at 3am in the morning, you must go 25 miles per hour above the speed limit, you must take your shirt off when you're not supposed to, you must do the crazy dare that your crazy friend suggested, you must eat what mom or dad said you shouldn't, you must get drunk and get wasted, you must do the exact opposite of what an authority person says. These are the snippets of your life that you will remember the most.
2. You're not a loser when you lose, contrary to what our parents or anyone else says. Countless times you will feel like you have nothing to live for, but you need time to realize it. Painful, agonizing, seemingly neverending time, but time nonetheless. Doom is not imminent.
3. You should cultivate true friendships because being alone is a terrible way to live. Don't look up to our parents in this aspect, their friends are for a human presence more often true support. Ignore them when they say that you are hanging out with a crowd of friends who are of no use to you, because that is one of the most ignorant things you will ever hear. The rare humans on earth that can truly make me feel happy or alive are my best friends. Look towards those that reach out to you, and make sure that you give as much, if not more, than you take.
4. You can be so accomplished but not really accomplish anything that means something to you. Trophies, big names, and titles can become meaningless. They definitely mean something to our parents but not necessarily to us. Find exactly what it is that gets your mind, heart, and soul going and keep at it.
5. Our parents are not always people we can look up to and we must learn from their mistakes. Don't assume they are always right because you will most likely be wrong. Assume they are wrong, then you will either be right or in for a surprise.
6. If you have a legitimate argument, fight for it. Even though they are our parents, they would rather win a heated argument by playing the "I am your parent and don't you dare talk back to me" card than realize that their offspring is trying to say something of actual weight. And if you want to reply to one of our mother's accusations, I suggest that you prepare yourself, because she will repeatedly say "No, I will not listen to you," while you beg her to hear your side. This is true because this happened 5 minutes ago when you were pretending to read your book about chess that our mother bought you. (Speaking of chess, if you honestly hate it, then just quit and look for a different passion. Otherwise, you're just wasting precious time.)
You are my brother, therefore you are my legacy. I really wish I could be a wonderful example of a sister but I'm not. I know for a fact that you have become more impatient and rude because you are simply following my examples. Your negative traits are partially derived from mine, and believe me when I say that I feel miserably guilty to have influenced you in such a way. I wish I could just make you into the perfect person in the eyes of God, but I am just me.
Dad, I miss you and your unconditional "fatherliness." Please come back from your business trip so you can give me a nice big hug.
I shall go off on a tangent here cause I am pissed about my mother yelling at me for the above reasons. So Richard Zhang, by this time, you know that you are my most favorite person in the world and you deserve the world. I would give up anything for you: my parents, my accomplishments, my grades, swimming, music, my freedom. For these reasons, here is some advice regarding our parents that I want you to realize:
1. You have to take a step back and think about what you really want in life. If you don't, the days begin to blur together and events become nothing more than fillers. From one grade report to another, from one test to another, everything in between in done in anticipation of what is inevitably in the future. Don't entirely focus on the test or an event that you can anticipate but be open-minded towards the surprises that you will encounter. At some point in your life, you must run around our backyard at 3am in the morning, you must go 25 miles per hour above the speed limit, you must take your shirt off when you're not supposed to, you must do the crazy dare that your crazy friend suggested, you must eat what mom or dad said you shouldn't, you must get drunk and get wasted, you must do the exact opposite of what an authority person says. These are the snippets of your life that you will remember the most.
2. You're not a loser when you lose, contrary to what our parents or anyone else says. Countless times you will feel like you have nothing to live for, but you need time to realize it. Painful, agonizing, seemingly neverending time, but time nonetheless. Doom is not imminent.
3. You should cultivate true friendships because being alone is a terrible way to live. Don't look up to our parents in this aspect, their friends are for a human presence more often true support. Ignore them when they say that you are hanging out with a crowd of friends who are of no use to you, because that is one of the most ignorant things you will ever hear. The rare humans on earth that can truly make me feel happy or alive are my best friends. Look towards those that reach out to you, and make sure that you give as much, if not more, than you take.
4. You can be so accomplished but not really accomplish anything that means something to you. Trophies, big names, and titles can become meaningless. They definitely mean something to our parents but not necessarily to us. Find exactly what it is that gets your mind, heart, and soul going and keep at it.
5. Our parents are not always people we can look up to and we must learn from their mistakes. Don't assume they are always right because you will most likely be wrong. Assume they are wrong, then you will either be right or in for a surprise.
6. If you have a legitimate argument, fight for it. Even though they are our parents, they would rather win a heated argument by playing the "I am your parent and don't you dare talk back to me" card than realize that their offspring is trying to say something of actual weight. And if you want to reply to one of our mother's accusations, I suggest that you prepare yourself, because she will repeatedly say "No, I will not listen to you," while you beg her to hear your side. This is true because this happened 5 minutes ago when you were pretending to read your book about chess that our mother bought you. (Speaking of chess, if you honestly hate it, then just quit and look for a different passion. Otherwise, you're just wasting precious time.)
You are my brother, therefore you are my legacy. I really wish I could be a wonderful example of a sister but I'm not. I know for a fact that you have become more impatient and rude because you are simply following my examples. Your negative traits are partially derived from mine, and believe me when I say that I feel miserably guilty to have influenced you in such a way. I wish I could just make you into the perfect person in the eyes of God, but I am just me.
Dad, I miss you and your unconditional "fatherliness." Please come back from your business trip so you can give me a nice big hug.
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