Feeling like a lost cause

There are many reasons why I "stopped swimming" not "quit". First of all, all you young people are too damn fast. You, Wendy, Vincent, Tung, Gideon, Kelvin. I can't compete with that. Secondly, everyone complains about Pagan being a bad coach, so I'm doing something about it. Thirdly, I've reached my limit and next year there isn't going to be any swimming. (Donald)

What the hell is happening? Everything is going wrong. This is not how I imagined high school swimming at all. It was supposed to be a time of extreme team bonding, cheering on your relay team, eating out after meets, and suffering through endless practices together but it seems that will only happen my freshmen year. I love swimming but I might lose it cause of budget cuts. I love swimming but our coach is not someone I can really respect. I love swimming with the greatest people I know but some of them have "stopped swimming". Michelle Tu has moved, Donald, Alan, and Peter (all in varsity too!) have quit. At least we have two "super freshmen" this year (Vincent, Amy), the tradition continues from last year I guess (Gideon, Zack, Tung, me). We honestly can't afford to lose that many people, especially people part of our best relay team. We all had a spot to fill, we all had a family. If we had tried hard enough, we could have continued together just for the sake of each other. It depresses me that JV can barely swim and I have to teach them the simplest things, like how to swim fly or what an interval is. It depresses me that varsity is getting smaller and smaller. It depresses me that there is stupid tension and behind-the-back drama just for the spot of team captain. Our team needs a revival, but we don't have a single solution.

I have made my decision, and this time I am gonna be firm about it. It's what's best. I HAVE tried, time and time again.

Basic Eight

Martin Luther King Jr. once said that peace is not merely the absence of violence but also the presence of a positive force. On that note, happiness would be the absence of despair and the presence of light. Beauty would be the absence of ugliness and the presence of attractiveness. White would be the absence of color and the presence of being neutral. Intelligence: the absence of inability and the presence of knowledge. In court, innocence is not the absence of guilt but rather the presence of insufficient evidence of guilt. What does this all mean really? To me, it means that you cannot solve a problem by eliminating it. You eliminate it, something else will definitely fill it. Also, it is important to realize abstract ideas are always two-sided. Every issue has at least two ways to analyze it. Taking an abstract idea and attempting to define it in one word is not enough. Making all of these connections kinda ties into my life right now.

500 cases of illness, including 8 deaths, from the salmonella outbreak in peanut butter (Dang, so much for eating Gramwichs everyday). It really bothers me how the companies that shipped the peanut butter knew it was tainted but continued shipping it anyway. Doesn't it remind you of the recent Chinese milk scare? How ironic... as much as the U.S. likes to distance itself from Asia, it turns out that Americans may not be as superior as they would like to think. For me, it really puts things into perspective. The (uber biased) Western media makes a big deal out of Eastern tainted milk but whaddya know! Same thing. American media blows things out of proportion but downplays its own mistakes. Wake up, damn it! Corruption is a two-way street.

I have a lot to do this weekend and no motivation to do it. Gluttony and sloth have become a problem for me. I like sleeping, its an escape. I need sleep, I need an escape.

All the swimmers I know HATE rain. I, for one, hate it with a passion. Apparently we like to keep our wetness in the pool. We get enough of water each day, thank you very much. Being soggy wet with clothes on is just weird.

Troublemakers

My temper goes out of hand sometimes. But when faced with something that you cannot control, something that is totally not your fault but you are being punished for it, I gotta admit... it hurts. I don't really want to be part of the plan but I kinda have to. Its an obligation. But I guess there is an emotional reason too, I have no where else to go really, no one else. And once I realize that, I can begin to appreciate what I really have.

Swimming practice at 6am is fucking freezing, and it sucks to have PE right after then practice again afterschool (I got sunburned yesterday! How lame). But its nice... I feel so amazingly refreshed afterwards. Its definitely not easy, battling the cold and the urge to go back to sleep, but I like a challenge, pushing myself, seeing how far I can go. Practice is hard, harder than you can probably imagine but I have never missed a set since the first day. Lazy people, who don't know what is good for them, really piss me off and jumpstart my temper (kinda ties in with the first paragraph).

5th period was incredibly hilarious today. It always is! Ashley, Kevin, Jonathan, Eddie, Rowena are the best (maybe not Eddie and Kevin cause they are jerky sometimes hahaha, but within reason I guess). I swear I cried from laughing so hard today. Me and Ashley walked to 6th period like drunken little bastards<3 Haha

Cat and mouse... but mice are so damn stupid.