Rather undeserving

I didn't laugh at my mom's joke today when she she scared me about some college deadline so she said that my "heart needs a jumpstart now and then." And being the pissy and irrational me that I am (having a crazy and busy ass day involving math test review at 7am, two Science Olympiad meetings, redoing my chem lab, journalism deadlines, Salvation Army community service, and Borders gift wrap didn't help either), I was like "Wow you can't give me that, do you realize all the crap and stress that I go through nowadays BECAUSE of what you want?" So begins an argument about how I'm not her "sweet little girl" anymore and ends in me crying because she's right; I'm not. High school does things to you, it hardens you. However, how can my parents expect me to get into a top college by being "sweet"? In this real world that we live in, you would get trampled over. So instead, I learn from my previous mistakes, develop somewhat of a ruthless attitude to get what I want and I subsequently remember what I did right, but in the process, I guess I just lose a lot of myself.

My mom gives me crap now and then, but I know that I give her way more than she deserves. She can be stubborn, temperamental, and unforgiving but I inherited these traits on a much bigger scale. And my dad is just the sweetest guy in the world, no matter what. (I got a postcard from "Santa" today, written in his handwriting). I love both of them more than anything else and I'm a horrible person for not showing it as much as I should. Damn it, fuck me, I'm such a bitch.

Friday night

I'm still young right? Sometimes, I can feel like I'm such an old lady. Every once in a while, I feel like I have to do something crazy; when I do, I want to do it again. And because I am young after all, I DO NOT want to be confined. But I feel confined in lots of ways and for the most part, I'm letting myself be confined.

And I still have at least some kind of intelligence right? Cause sometimes I feel incredibly dumb.

"I DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Keep the big picture in mind, but don't worry about the details. Just go with it and do what's happening. Worry later. Fuck, dont worry later, that won't solve anything. Don't worry at all. Even when stuff gets bad, it's still okay. Each second is okay, it's putting them together that sucks."

You know, I really should take the advice that I post here and on Tumblr but for the most part, that's just me being idealistic. I suck at listening to myself.

Burnout scene

"How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after,
I always turn the car around.
Give me a break let me make my own pattern,
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered,
I always turn the car around."
-- Shattered.mp3 by O.A.R.

That song is freakin' genius... overplayed a little, but it has the right message. Oh and a shoutout to Jimmy for kindly showing me Hype Machine; it has reopened my eyes to real music, something I used to have time to love. My ears have been deluded with radio crap since sophomore year.